2.18 Super Mario Bros.

Mario and Luigi jump through a hell portal beneath Brooklyn and land in a parallel dimension where dinosaurs evolved into the dominant species. Run by germaphobe dictator King Koopa, the plumbers must track down Princess Daisy before Koopa forces her to merge the fungus-covered Dinohattan with our world. Strap on your tool belt, trust the fungus, and click those stomper heels together, because we’re about to world warp with Super Mario Bros!

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2.17 Child’s Play 3

Eight years after being set on fire, shot multiple times, losing a hand, bathed in molten plastic, and pneumatically exploding, Chucky is somehow reanimated by the Play Pals company again. Still looking to transfer his soul into a human body, he tracks Andy Barclay to a deranged military school and finds fresh meat in the delusional Tyler. Will Charles Lee Ray finally finish that incantation? Find out as we take a page from the book, get balded out by Uncle Frank, and spit-shine our combat boots! In honor of a remake no one asked for, we’re unboxing Child’s Play 3.

Joining us is special guest, C.B. Smith! Check out his channel, where he covers books and their adaptations (or the opposite in this case).

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2.16 Prehysteria! 3

Raisin-loving Pygmy dinosaurs fall off the back of a truck and find themselves on a rundown miniature golf course owned by Fred Willard. Scotland enthusiast Ella and her family live on the mini-putt, but their livelihood is threatened by Ella’s evil Uncle Hal and his henchman, the Reverse-Flash Eobard Thawne. Now, the only thing standing between the McGregors and total destruction is 18 holes. Slip into your favorite kilt, pull that magic putter from the stone, and slop some haggis onto a bun, because we’re chowing down on some Dino Burgers by the grassy knoll back and to the left of Prehysteria! 3.

Special Thanks to O-Street Mini Golf Association and Lucky Duck Entertainment.

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2.15 Drainiac!

Christmas Eve a few years ago, a couple of bums wandered into the house from Mosquito and were sucked dry by a green slime emanating from a drain pipe. A water elemental haunts these lands now and only the resurrected Gunnar Hansen the White can save the unlucky group of teenage “friends” trapped by the demon. Grab your grimoire, light some candles placed at the tips of a pentagram, and climb into a haunted bathtub, because we’re spiraling down into Drainiac!

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2.14 Titanic II

On the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, Shane Van Dyke takes his replica ship Titanic II on it’s maiden voyage. The same day, an iceberg the size of Rhode Island falls into the Atlantic Ocean, sending a ripple of super tsunamis across the globe. With entire countries under water, can Bruce Davison stay awake long enough to save his daughter from icebergs rocketing towards the Titanic II at 843 miles per hour? Turn on your ice detectors, slip into some scuba gear, and let the icy cold water wash over you, because we’re about to sink Titanic II.

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2.13 Bushwhacked

After surviving the events of C.H.U.D., Daniel Stern changes his name to “Mad” Marv Merchants and takes a job as a delivery driver, where he falls for an obvious scam and is framed for the murder of his millionaire client, Dr. Frederick Chilton. On the lamb from FBI Agent Michael “The Suit” Minelli, Marv switches places with scoutmaster “Spider” Erickson and serendipitously leads a troop of Ranger Scouts up Devil’s Peak—a treacherous trail complete with a Temple of Doom bridge! The race is on to intercept a package that will clear his name at 10am sharp, guaranteed. Grab two packs of Malboros, two Sno Balls, and a jumbo Coke, because we’re about to get Bushwhacked.

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2.12 Howard the Duck

Howard is just your average anthropomorphic duck living on a parallel Earth—aptly named Duckworld. That is, until Dr. Jeffrey Jones foolishly uses the Buch-cannon™ to beam him to Cleveland. Stranded, Howard teams up with local rocker Lea Thompson and Tim “Museum Janitor” Robbins to search for a way home, and possibly some hairless ape fornication. Oh yeah, then Jeffrey Jones gets possessed by a demonic “Dark Overlord of the Universe” that turns him into Emperor Palpatine for some reason! Practice your Quack Fu, do some toot, and grab this month’s issue of Playduck, because we are about to get shot through space via Lazyboy with Howard the Duck.

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2.11 Critters 2: The Main Course

Two years after ravenous space furbies invaded Grover’s Bend, Scott Grimes returns home to visit his Nana “Granny Van Daam” for Easter. A clutch of over-ripened avocados mistaken for Easter eggs hatch, flooding the town with the devious man-eating crites. Aided by alien bounty hunters Ug, Lee, and Charlie, a spittoon-spitting sheriff, Lars from Heavyweights, Lin Shaye, and Eddie Deezen, the town just might stand a chance against a literal giant ball of killer tribbles. Order a polar burger, some buffalo chips, and wash it all down with a moo shake because we’re about to take a bite out of Critters 2: The Main Course. KILL CRITES!

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2.10 Bunraku

Dreadlocked Ron Pearlman rules post-apocalyptic feudal Neo Japan, where guns are banned and everyone knows martial arts, with an iron fist. Drifter Josh Hartnet and samurai Gackt walk into a bar and meet the one person central to the plot, soliloquizing bartender and pop-up funny enthusiast, Woody Harrelson. Together, they lead a revolution of chimney sweepers against an army of redshirts and Kevin McKidd. Grab your grandpa’s medallion, a fifty-five dollar glass of whiskey, and cock those fist guns, because this ain’t no ordinary puppet show—it’s BUNRAKU!

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2.9 Star Kid

When an evil Broodwarrior lands on Earth, Tim from Jurassic Park plugs his brain into the Guyver Unit and becomes the only force powerful enough to save the world: URKELBOT! With the suit’s superior military weaponry, not only can he transform his arm into a gun, but he can also punish bullies and impress girls! Step into an alien cyborsuit, ingest a synthesized nebula burger, and try not to destroy your house in the process, because we’re suiting up for Star Kid!

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2.8 Jurassic Park

Meet John Hammond, an old man who doesn’t know what to do with his fortune, so he decides to clone some dino DNA and open a theme park. He flies in power couple and dinosaur experts, Sam Neil and Laura Dern, along with chaos theorist, Jeff Goldblum, and a blood-sucking lawyer to prove to his investors that the park is completely safe. Once there, everything goes to shit, after a disgruntled Newman shuts all the power off on the island, so that he can steal some T-Rex blood for the competition. With prehistoric powerhouses roaming free, can life, uh, find a way? Tie your seat belts ends together, slap on your night vision goggles, and pop open your can of shaving cream, because no expense will be spared while we make our way through Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

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2.7 In Pursuit

Daniel Baldwin is a terrible lawyer that can’t seem to get a break. That is, until he’s framed for murder by a German super model? Al from Quantum Leap? Both at once? With the help of his lawyer and her cat, he sets out to clear his name and get drunk in La Paz. This isn’t the Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew Mystery, it’s just Daniel Baldwin and Coolio in your vicinity. Take some photos of a fake car accident, pretend you don’t understand Spanish, and shoot down that tequila because we are about to fight a cougar while In Pursuit.

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2.6 Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2

Trying to cash in on the Blair Witch Project hype, Jeffrey “Jeff” Donovan takes a group of played out stereotypes into the woods on a tour of locations from the film. Except, they are actual historical locations or something and the witch is real…but she might not be? Throw on a pot of coffee, pull up a chair, and get your eyeballs right up to that monitor, because we’re staring blankly into Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.

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2.5 Luck of The Irish

Kyle Johnson is a high school basketball star without any heritage, until he finds out that for the love of Mike, he’s actually a leprechaun! With the help of his friends and his potato chip tycoon grandpa Henry Gibson, Kyle might take down the Saint of the Step, in a life or death basketball game. Grab your green beer, catch that flying pot of corn beef and cabbage, take a shot of Jameson, and eat yerself an Irish potato! Saints preserve us, this is the Luck of the Irish.

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2.4 Bleeders

In 1652, the King of Holland told the noble families to stop with the incest, so the Van Daams packed up and moved to America. Now, Robert Smith’s search for a cure to his rare blood disease leads him to the Van Daam family home, guarded by a granny with a shotgun. “A sauced Rutger Hauer battles mutants that feed on embalming fluid in an underground cavern,” sounds a lot better on paper. Secure your birthright, eat that pickled baby, and stay clear of open graves because we are about to get Van Daminated by Hemoglobin aka Bleeders!

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2.3 The Punisher (1989)

When a power struggle between the Mafia and Yakuza emerges, Dolph Lundgren drags his sweaty, naked ass out of the sewers to bring death and destruction to both sides. Louis Gossett Jr. also throws a pizza at a wiseguy. Paint on your beard, ready your RC car, and don’t even think about asking why there’s no skull on his shirt, because we’re about to be judged by The Punisher.

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2.2 Dragonball: Evolution

Highschool student Goku is a martial artist with lightning fast reflexes, who just happens to be a white dude. After alien dark elf Piccolo drops a house on his grandpa, Goku joins up with Bulma and Muten Roshi to gather the magical dragonballs to stop him…or something. Akira Toriyama is rolling in his grave and he’s not even dead. Take a deep breath, channel your ki, and practice that Kamehameha until Ernie Hudson is satisfied! For the love of god, this is Dragonball: Evolution.

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2.1 The Lawnmower Man

We’re back for season 2 and oh boy is it a doozie! When genetically modified RoboChimp and protector of the innocent, “Cybo-Man”, escapes from the evil Umbrella Corporation, it finds a friend in local greenskeeper, Jobe Smith. Now, with the help of mad scientist Dr. Larry Angelo and his virtual reality machine, Cybo-Man and Jobe are teaming up for the ultimate showdown against Umbrella. So grab your revolver, zip up your TRON bodysuit, and strap into your gyroscope, because we are about to jack into The Lawnmower Man!

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1.38 Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House

In an alternate timeline that acknowledges previous events that couldn’t have possibly happened, bizarro Kevin McCallister has to stop French Stewart from kidnapping a prince. Grab that piggy bank, a toy spy kit, and your transitional object because we are about to be clobbered by something worse than an iron to the face—Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House.

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1.37 Holiday Switch

From the black pit of Lifetime, a Christmas movie made for no one, has been spewed forth into our reality. Nicole Eggert is a garbage human being who doesn’t appreciate anything. After rooting through a pile of laundry 10 feet high and complaining about how awful her life is, she cracks her fragile dome on her washing machine. She is then transported into an alternate life of wealth and prescription drugs. Build yourself a popsicle stick reindeer and put on that $1,200 red dress because we are about to husband swap with Holiday Switch.

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1.36 The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t

When mustache twirling bad guy, Phineas T. Prune, buys the North Pole and threatens to evict Santa, jolly ol’ Saint Nick has only one option: get the rent money before Christmas! Thankfully, everyone central to the plot lives in the same location. With the help of broke man-child lawyer, Sam Whipple, and a song for every situation you can imagine, Kris Kringle must become the original mall Santa to save Christmas. So, practice your ho ho ho’s, play with some toys, and think to yourself, just think, think, THINK, because this is The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t.

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1.35 Santa’s Slay

Bill Goldberg loses a game of curling against a dime store Christopher Lloyd and is forced to give presents to children every year on December 25th. After the bet wager is decidedly paid up, Goldberg returns to his historic holiday havoc and flips it into high gear—starting with Fran Drescher. Kicking off our month of “Trashing Through the Snow” with a real shining star upon the highest bough, grab some deli meats, a curling stone, and your grandfather’s book of Norse mythology because your chimney’s about to be blown out by Santa’s Slay. WHO’S NEXT?!

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1.34 Home Sweet Home

After a bunch of people who aren’t related gather at a remote ranch for Thanksgiving day, they kind of meander around until Jake “The Body” Steinfeld arrives to murder them in a PCP fueled rage. Slip a syringe under your tongue, hide the peas, and get your KISS paint on because we are about to get body slammed by Home Sweet Home.

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1.33 Baby’s Day Out

When billionaire momma, Lara Flynn Boyle, decides to get Baby Bink’s picture taken for the paper, she falls for the most obvious scam of all time and the baby is kidnapped. Unfortunately, the captors lose him immediately. Joe Mantegna, Joe Pantoliano, and Spike’s dad from the Little Giants, star as the dumbest crooks in the world, in John Hughes’ terrible Home Alone rehash. Grab your Boo Boo, sneak into the gorilla pen, and get yourself lathered in some construction site spunk, because this is Baby’s Day Out.

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1.32 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Outworld emperor Shao Khan has sour grapes after losing to Earthrealm in Mortal Kombat, so he interrupts the ending of a much better movie to bring us this huge pile of shit. Using some unexplained magic, Shao Khan resurrects his wife Sindel, forcing Outworld and Earthrealm to merge because the Bible says the Earth was created in six days or something. Johnny Cage is disrespected, Liu Kang turns into a dragon, and Raiden isn’t even Christopher Lambert anymore. Slap on your five hundred dollar sunglasses, ready your animality, and rip out our spine, because we are about to test our might against Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

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1.31 Night of the Demons

After Angela invites a bunch of odd balls to an old funeral parlor for a Halloween party, things get out of hand when they perform a seance. They accidentally release an ancient evil that turns the party goers into hideous demons that are down to fuck. This is the quintessential horror movie for the Halloween season, Dumpster Dwellers! Grab your lipstick, some sour balls, and don’t forget extra batteries for the boom box because we are about to be possessed by Night of the Demons.

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1.30 Double, Double, Toil and Trouble

It’s Halloween night and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s parents are flat broke, so they ask their evil witch of an aunt for a loan. Unfortunately, aunt Cloris Leachman hates the needy and kicks them to the curb, leaving the twins to hatch a crazy plan to save their “full” house (we’re sorry). Meshach Taylor, Phil Fondacaro, and Wayne Robson all join them on a trip down the yellow brick road, to save a woman they’ve never met, from a magic mirror! Schkoozie schkoozie, abra kadabra, flim flam wala wala bing bang bong, this is Double, Double, Toil and Trouble.

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1.29 Boo! A Madea Halloween

Single father Brian Simmons struggles to keep his rebellious daughter from going to the local sleazeball frat’s Halloween party, so he calls his Aunt Madea for help. In an experiment in madness, Tyler Perry brings together obnoxious YouTube stars, bad parenting advice, and a living room scene we thought would never end. Light up a joint and praise Jesus, because we’re about to flatline through Boo! A Madea Halloween.

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1.28 Idle Hands

When a certain evil force looks to possess the laziest fuck up it can find, stoner and general layabout Devon Sawa becomes the perfect host. Why does it only control his right hand? We don’t know! After killing his parents (we hardly knew you Fred Willard) and best friends, Seth Green and Foggy Nelson, Devon must stop his evil hand before it kills Jessica Alba, the only woman interested in his stank ass. So grab yourself some Burger Jungle, rip your Mighty Joe Bong, and cut off just one of your hands, because this is Idle Hands.

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1.27 An American Werewolf in Paris

We’re kicking this Trick or Trash month off with a flaming jack-o’-lantern full of werewolf shit! Tom Everett Scott and his fuck boy friends head to Paris to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower. Instead they get drunk and save a suicidal Julie Delpy from ridding the world of her violent lunar activities. Unfortunately for us, this movie happens as the result. As a direct sequel to one of the greatest werewolf movies of all time, this is the poster child for studio meddling and running a project straight into the ground. Tie off your bungee cord, rip open a pack of condom gum, and shoot yourself up with some moon juice because we are about to be mauled by An American Werewolf in Paris.

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1.26 The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

CRIKEY! Steve Irwin is just trying to make a documentary about all the dangerous and beautiful wildlife of Australia, and then a bunch of studio execs tell him no one is going to pay for that, so they make up a shitty story about a top secret satellite that gets eaten by a crocodile. With pointless side plots, a lost fifth Baldwin brother, and the Bumpuses dogs, two completely different films collide into a true blunder from down under. Grab your best sheila, a couple sticks of dynamite, and some anti-venom because we are about to bag and tag The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course.

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1.25 Guyver: Dark Hero

He’s back and he’s better than ever! Sort of. A year after defeating David Gale, Solid Snake…err Sean Barker is having strange dreams about killing things. It turns out he has another purpose besides being a violent vigilante of the night—hitchhike to Utah and molest an ancient alien spacecraft. Grab a 30 pack of Bud Dry, and some bear-werewolf-rhinoman repellent because we are about to biomorph with Guyver: Dark Hero.

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1.24 Devon’s Ghost: Legend of the Bloody Boy

After two idiots reopen the old Angel Grove High School across the street from the site of a legend-laden local homicide, the black and yellow Power Rangers need to face their greatest adversary yet—a dick in a baseball jersey. Co-written by Karan Ashley and co-directed by Johnny Yong Bosch, we all can’t help but have one big question: what the hell were they thinking? Put on your birthday present from grandma, grab that Power Morpher, and make sure you don’t get intimate with anyone because we are stepping up to bat with Devon’s Ghost: The Legend of the Bloody Boy. IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!

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1.23 Dark Forest

When Emily joins her friends on a weekend getaway, her psychotic and controlling husband, Peter, takes a trip to the Black Lodge and decides that murdering them all is the only option. Or something. Send some dick pics, grab that plastic knife your dad used to kill your mom, and follow us as we make a trek through the extremely well lit Dark Forest, eh?

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1.22 The Guyver

After Sean face-plants into a one-of-a-kind alien armor prototype, he teams up with Luke Skywalker to bring down David Gale’s Chronos Corporation and its army of Ninja Turtles. As a mostly faithful anime adaption, Screaming Mad George and Steve Wang deliver the goods for this beast-beatin’ romp of amazing practical effects. Behold as Jimmie Walker transforms into Jar Jar Binks before your very eyes—and then gets his ass kicked. Also, Mark Hamill turns into a cockroach. The Zoanoid shit has finally hit the fan, so grab your plastic lunchbox filled with bio-booster armor because we are about to transform with The Guyver. DYN-O-MITE!

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1.21 Mosquito

After a War of The Worlds reject crash lands on earth, its body becomes a quick lunch for a bunch of mosquitoes. And wouldn’t ya know it? The alien blood makes them grow into huge, radioactive, killing machines. It’s up to Leatherface, Patrick Swayze, a biologist (?), Isaac Hayes, and a park ranger to stop the winged menaces from infesting the world. Slather on some deet and lube up that proboscis because we are about to suck on Mosquito.

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1.20 Uncle Sam

Sam Harper is a 100% full blooded, grade-A bag of shit. After getting shot down during some “friendly fire” over Kuwait, the military ships his body back to his life-long abusees. His nephew can’t understand why everyone is so down on his uncle after all of his heroic endeavors. That is, until people start turning up dead. Isaac Hayes literally brings out the big guns for this patriotic piece of cinematic trash. Grab some BBQ and light up those fireworks because we are giving salute to good ol’ Uncle Sam.

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1.19 Tetsuo: The Iron Man

A creepy, semi-magical being known only as the Metal Fetishist seeks revenge on a salaryman who ran him over while getting a blow job. An experimental art film from Shin’ya Tsukamoto, in the vein of Lynch and Cronenberg, comes a monochrome acid trip into stop-motion fever dreams and bloody body horror. Grab your oil can and mind the dick drill because we’re about to be assimilated by Tetsuo: The Iron Man.

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1.18 A Gnome Named Gnorm

Anthony Michael Hall is a wisecracking cop who literally blows an undercover gig when a diamond-toting scumbag explodes all over a park. The only way to clear his name and catch the real bad guy is to team up with a horny gnome that needs to recharge a life-giving rock by way of our sun. Hang on to your bobos and secure that Lumen because we’re about to tunnel into Upworld aka A Gnome Named Gnorm.

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1.17 Tammy and the T-Rex

Tammy and Michael are a young couple in love, until Tammy’s edgelord ex-boyfriend feeds Michael to a lion. Paul Walker returns to the dumpster, trading in his Crunch bars for a mechanical dino body. Strap on your cup and grab somebody’s junk, we’re about to bite into Tammy and the T-Rex.

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1.16 Frankenstein’s Army

At the end of WWII, a troop of Russian soldiers on a secret mission stumble upon the Langford Lab where Karel Roden is making Silent Hill rejects. Finish assembling your Zombot because we’re about to dissect Frankenstein’s Army.

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1.15 The Runestone

After stumbling upon an ancient Norse artifact in Pennsylvania, noted art collector and womanizer, Martin Almquist, brings his find to the big city—and all hell breaks loose. With the help of Thor, a prophetic cry baby, and a foul-mouthed detective, Martin’s ex-wife and lover have to bring down the Nordic God of Bad Creature Design. Dig out your Grandpa’s mythological axe, and pack plenty of strawberry PEZ because the boys are Big Apple bound to try and decipher The Runestone.

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1.14 Big Bully

Tom Arnold rekindles his twisted agenda of sadistic pleasure when Rick Moranis, his childhood punching bag, returns to town to teach a shitty writing class. Masquerading as a comedy, we can clearly see the horror inherent in this off-beat abomination. Meet us at the seesaw at seven o’clock, and bring your piss-filled thermos, because we are going a few rounds with Big Bully.

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1.13 House of the Dead

A group of twenty-somethings travel to Isla Nublar for the rave of the century, but instead find it infested with zombies and light beer. Based on the classic arcade rail shooter and directed by Uwe Boll, even Clint Howard can’t save this movie. Pour one out for Das Boot, because this is House of the Dead.

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1.12 The Hugga Bunch

Little Bridget calls upon the tiny, plush demons that live in her mirror to help save her grandmother because no one loves her anymore. Spewed forth from the black pit of movies from which marketing schemes for toys are spawned, The Hugga Bunch are here for your sweet bone marrow. Pick some young berries and get your mirror nice and squishy because we are about to hug some puppets.

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1.11 Dungeons & Dragons

Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans LARP their way into a mess of bad CGI and magic, while Jeremy Irons gorges himself on every piece of scenery he can get his hands on. Based loosely on the classic tabletop RPG, this foray onto the set of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys reminds us that movies based on games are never a good idea. Grab your d20 and your elven boob armor because we are about to roll for initiative against Dungeons & Dragons.

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1.10 Frankenstein Unbound

Future scientist, John Hurt, stumbles and fumbles through time in his quest to court Mary Shelly. With the help of Victor Frankenstein and the Delorean, he just might pull it off. This is what Frankenstein fan fiction looks like: Frankenstein Unbound.

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1.9 Monster in the Closet

When a slew of closet murders go unsolved, up-and-coming reporter and Christopher Reeves impersonator, Richard Clark, travels to a small California town for answers. With the help of Paul Walker, Torgo, and that woman from Days of Our Lives, Clark battles a giant McNugget to save the world. Marking the acting debuts of Paul Walker and Fergie, this film adds nothing to their résumés. Grab your xylophone and a hearty supply of Crunch bars because we’re going on a hunt for Monster in the Closet.

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1.8 Sukiyaki Western Django

Quentin Tarantino gives us a Japanese history lesson about two rival gangs fighting over Captain Crunch’s lost treasure, in the heart of Nevada during the Gold Rush. J-horror icon Takashi Miike blends the flavors of Akira Kurosawa and Sergio Corbucci…or something. Gather ’round the campfire and grab your chopsticks, because we are about to chew on some Sukiyaki Western Django.

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1.7 Death Note

The American adaption nobody asked for! Nat Wolff whines a lot and kills people with a magic notebook he gets from the Green Goblin, while Lakeith Stanfield squats on everyone’s furniture and eats candy. Overstuffed, underdeveloped, and unwelcome, summon your Shinigami and for the love of God put our names in the Death Note.

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1.6 Venom

Poor Ray just wants to do the right thing and of course, no good deed goes unpunished. When a suitcase full of voodoo enhanced snakes turns him into Jason Voorhees, he disposes of the most vapid cast of characters this side of the Mississippi. Unfortunately, we don’t get to see any of it. Make sure you grab your grandma’s Baka and a cold beer because we are about to milk some Venom.

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1.5 Equilibrium

Hide your art, hide your books, hide your wife because the Grammaton Clerics are coming to town! In an Orwellian, post-WWIII future, Christian Bale saves puppies from a heartless government bent on emotionally numbing the masses. Taye Diggs is also there for some reason. Grab your Prozium and your pistol, we’re headed to Libria with Equilibrium.

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1.4 Yesterday’s Target

Time traveling mutants, domestic abuse, and plot holes, oh my! Daniel Baldwin serves us up his best Sarah Connor impression while trying to stop Malcolm McDowell and LeVar Burton from wearing bad hats. With a future so bright that you gotta wear shades, the boys quantum leap into the shit show of Yesterday’s Target.

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