2.21 Reign of Fire

Decades ago, humans delved too greedily and too deep into Moria and awoke the dragon Paarthurnax from its slumber. Following Judgment Day, Christian Bale leads the last vestiges of humankind against a storm of dragons that just want to watch the world burn. Only dragon slayer Matthew “Van Zan” McConaughey and his small army of rootin’-tootin’ Americans can shift the odds in humanity’s favor. Ready your magnesium-tipped C4 crossbow bolts, wait until the magic hour, and join Gerard Butler in archangel falling 17 seconds from the sky into Reign of Fire!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.12 Howard the Duck

Howard is just your average anthropomorphic duck living on a parallel Earth—aptly named Duckworld. That is, until Dr. Jeffrey Jones foolishly uses the Buch-cannon™ to beam him to Cleveland. Stranded, Howard teams up with local rocker Lea Thompson and Tim “Museum Janitor” Robbins to search for a way home, and possibly some hairless ape fornication. Oh yeah, then Jeffrey Jones gets possessed by a demonic “Dark Overlord of the Universe” that turns him into Emperor Palpatine for some reason! Practice your Quack Fu, do some toot, and grab this month’s issue of Playduck, because we are about to get shot through space via Lazyboy with Howard the Duck.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.11 Critters 2: The Main Course

Two years after ravenous space furbies invaded Grover’s Bend, Scott Grimes returns home to visit his Nana “Granny Van Daam” for Easter. A clutch of over-ripened avocados mistaken for Easter eggs hatch, flooding the town with the devious man-eating crites. Aided by alien bounty hunters Ug, Lee, and Charlie, a spittoon-spitting sheriff, Lars from Heavyweights, Lin Shaye, and Eddie Deezen, the town just might stand a chance against a literal giant ball of killer tribbles. Order a polar burger, some buffalo chips, and wash it all down with a moo shake because we’re about to take a bite out of Critters 2: The Main Course. KILL CRITES!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.9 Star Kid

When an evil Broodwarrior lands on Earth, Tim from Jurassic Park plugs his brain into the Guyver Unit and becomes the only force powerful enough to save the world: URKELBOT! With the suit’s superior military weaponry, not only can he transform his arm into a gun, but he can also punish bullies and impress girls! Step into an alien cyborsuit, ingest a synthesized nebula burger, and try not to destroy your house in the process, because we’re suiting up for Star Kid!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.8 Jurassic Park

Meet John Hammond, an old man who doesn’t know what to do with his fortune, so he decides to clone some dino DNA and open a theme park. He flies in power couple and dinosaur experts, Sam Neil and Laura Dern, along with chaos theorist, Jeff Goldblum, and a blood-sucking lawyer to prove to his investors that the park is completely safe. Once there, everything goes to shit, after a disgruntled Newman shuts all the power off on the island, so that he can steal some T-Rex blood for the competition. With prehistoric powerhouses roaming free, can life, uh, find a way? Tie your seat belts ends together, slap on your night vision goggles, and pop open your can of shaving cream, because no expense will be spared while we make our way through Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

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1.25 Guyver: Dark Hero

He’s back and he’s better than ever! Sort of. A year after defeating David Gale, Solid Snake…err Sean Barker is having strange dreams about killing things. It turns out he has another purpose besides being a violent vigilante of the night—hitchhike to Utah and molest an ancient alien spacecraft. Grab a 30 pack of Bud Dry, and some bear-werewolf-rhinoman repellent because we are about to biomorph with Guyver: Dark Hero.

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1.22 The Guyver

After Sean face-plants into a one-of-a-kind alien armor prototype, he teams up with Luke Skywalker to bring down David Gale’s Chronos Corporation and its army of Ninja Turtles. As a mostly faithful anime adaption, Screaming Mad George and Steve Wang deliver the goods for this beast-beatin’ romp of amazing practical effects. Behold as Jimmie Walker transforms into Jar Jar Binks before your very eyes—and then gets his ass kicked. Also, Mark Hamill turns into a cockroach. The Zoanoid shit has finally hit the fan, so grab your plastic lunchbox filled with bio-booster armor because we are about to transform with The Guyver. DYN-O-MITE!

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1.21 Mosquito

After a War of The Worlds reject crash lands on earth, its body becomes a quick lunch for a bunch of mosquitoes. And wouldn’t ya know it? The alien blood makes them grow into huge, radioactive, killing machines. It’s up to Leatherface, Patrick Swayze, a biologist (?), Isaac Hayes, and a park ranger to stop the winged menaces from infesting the world. Slather on some deet and lube up that proboscis because we are about to suck on Mosquito.

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1.17 Tammy and the T-Rex

Tammy and Michael are a young couple in love, until Tammy’s edgelord ex-boyfriend feeds Michael to a lion. Paul Walker returns to the dumpster, trading in his Crunch bars for a mechanical dino body. Strap on your cup and grab somebody’s junk, we’re about to bite into Tammy and the T-Rex.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

1.16 Frankenstein’s Army

At the end of WWII, a troop of Russian soldiers on a secret mission stumble upon the Langford Lab where Karel Roden is making Silent Hill rejects. Finish assembling your Zombot because we’re about to dissect Frankenstein’s Army.

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1.10 Frankenstein Unbound

Future scientist, John Hurt, stumbles and fumbles through time in his quest to court Mary Shelly. With the help of Victor Frankenstein and the Delorean, he just might pull it off. This is what Frankenstein fan fiction looks like: Frankenstein Unbound.

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1.9 Monster in the Closet

When a slew of closet murders go unsolved, up-and-coming reporter and Christopher Reeves impersonator, Richard Clark, travels to a small California town for answers. With the help of Paul Walker, Torgo, and that woman from Days of Our Lives, Clark battles a giant McNugget to save the world. Marking the acting debuts of Paul Walker and Fergie, this film adds nothing to their résumés. Grab your xylophone and a hearty supply of Crunch bars because we’re going on a hunt for Monster in the Closet.

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1.5 Equilibrium

Hide your art, hide your books, hide your wife because the Grammaton Clerics are coming to town! In an Orwellian, post-WWIII future, Christian Bale saves puppies from a heartless government bent on emotionally numbing the masses. Taye Diggs is also there for some reason. Grab your Prozium and your pistol, we’re headed to Libria with Equilibrium.

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1.4 Yesterday’s Target

Time traveling mutants, domestic abuse, and plot holes, oh my! Daniel Baldwin serves us up his best Sarah Connor impression while trying to stop Malcolm McDowell and LeVar Burton from wearing bad hats. With a future so bright that you gotta wear shades, the boys quantum leap into the shit show of Yesterday’s Target.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne