1.38 Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House

In an alternate timeline that acknowledges previous events that couldn’t have possibly happened, bizarro Kevin McCallister has to stop French Stewart from kidnapping a prince. Grab that piggy bank, a toy spy kit, and your transitional object because we are about to be clobbered by something worse than an iron to the face—Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

1.37 Holiday Switch

From the black pit of Lifetime, a Christmas movie made for no one, has been spewed forth into our reality. Nicole Eggert is a garbage human being who doesn’t appreciate anything. After rooting through a pile of laundry 10 feet high and complaining about how awful her life is, she cracks her fragile dome on her washing machine. She is then transported into an alternate life of wealth and prescription drugs. Build yourself a popsicle stick reindeer and put on that $1,200 red dress because we are about to husband swap with Holiday Switch.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

1.35 Santa’s Slay

Bill Goldberg loses a game of curling against a dime store Christopher Lloyd and is forced to give presents to children every year on December 25th. After the bet wager is decidedly paid up, Goldberg returns to his historic holiday havoc and flips it into high gear—starting with Fran Drescher. Kicking off our month of “Trashing Through the Snow” with a real shining star upon the highest bough, grab some deli meats, a curling stone, and your grandfather’s book of Norse mythology because your chimney’s about to be blown out by Santa’s Slay. WHO’S NEXT?!

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1.33 Baby’s Day Out

When billionaire momma, Lara Flynn Boyle, decides to get Baby Bink’s picture taken for the paper, she falls for the most obvious scam of all time and the baby is kidnapped. Unfortunately, the captors lose him immediately. Joe Mantegna, Joe Pantoliano, and Spike’s dad from the Little Giants, star as the dumbest crooks in the world, in John Hughes’ terrible Home Alone rehash. Grab your Boo Boo, sneak into the gorilla pen, and get yourself lathered in some construction site spunk, because this is Baby’s Day Out.

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1.29 Boo! A Madea Halloween

Single father Brian Simmons struggles to keep his rebellious daughter from going to the local sleazeball frat’s Halloween party, so he calls his Aunt Madea for help. In an experiment in madness, Tyler Perry brings together obnoxious YouTube stars, bad parenting advice, and a living room scene we thought would never end. Light up a joint and praise Jesus, because we’re about to flatline through Boo! A Madea Halloween.

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1.28 Idle Hands

When a certain evil force looks to possess the laziest fuck up it can find, stoner and general layabout Devon Sawa becomes the perfect host. Why does it only control his right hand? We don’t know! After killing his parents (we hardly knew you Fred Willard) and best friends, Seth Green and Foggy Nelson, Devon must stop his evil hand before it kills Jessica Alba, the only woman interested in his stank ass. So grab yourself some Burger Jungle, rip your Mighty Joe Bong, and cut off just one of your hands, because this is Idle Hands.

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1.27 An American Werewolf in Paris

We’re kicking this Trick or Trash month off with a flaming jack-o’-lantern full of werewolf shit! Tom Everett Scott and his fuck boy friends head to Paris to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower. Instead they get drunk and save a suicidal Julie Delpy from ridding the world of her violent lunar activities. Unfortunately for us, this movie happens as the result. As a direct sequel to one of the greatest werewolf movies of all time, this is the poster child for studio meddling and running a project straight into the ground. Tie off your bungee cord, rip open a pack of condom gum, and shoot yourself up with some moon juice because we are about to be mauled by An American Werewolf in Paris.

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1.20 Uncle Sam

Sam Harper is a 100% full blooded, grade-A bag of shit. After getting shot down during some “friendly fire” over Kuwait, the military ships his body back to his life-long abusees. His nephew can’t understand why everyone is so down on his uncle after all of his heroic endeavors. That is, until people start turning up dead. Isaac Hayes literally brings out the big guns for this patriotic piece of cinematic trash. Grab some BBQ and light up those fireworks because we are giving salute to good ol’ Uncle Sam.

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1.18 A Gnome Named Gnorm

Anthony Michael Hall is a wisecracking cop who literally blows an undercover gig when a diamond-toting scumbag explodes all over a park. The only way to clear his name and catch the real bad guy is to team up with a horny gnome that needs to recharge a life-giving rock by way of our sun. Hang on to your bobos and secure that Lumen because we’re about to tunnel into Upworld aka A Gnome Named Gnorm.

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1.17 Tammy and the T-Rex

Tammy and Michael are a young couple in love, until Tammy’s edgelord ex-boyfriend feeds Michael to a lion. Paul Walker returns to the dumpster, trading in his Crunch bars for a mechanical dino body. Strap on your cup and grab somebody’s junk, we’re about to bite into Tammy and the T-Rex.

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1.14 Big Bully

Tom Arnold rekindles his twisted agenda of sadistic pleasure when Rick Moranis, his childhood punching bag, returns to town to teach a shitty writing class. Masquerading as a comedy, we can clearly see the horror inherent in this off-beat abomination. Meet us at the seesaw at seven o’clock, and bring your piss-filled thermos, because we are going a few rounds with Big Bully.

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1.9 Monster in the Closet

When a slew of closet murders go unsolved, up-and-coming reporter and Christopher Reeves impersonator, Richard Clark, travels to a small California town for answers. With the help of Paul Walker, Torgo, and that woman from Days of Our Lives, Clark battles a giant McNugget to save the world. Marking the acting debuts of Paul Walker and Fergie, this film adds nothing to their résumés. Grab your xylophone and a hearty supply of Crunch bars because we’re going on a hunt for Monster in the Closet.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne