2.21 Reign of Fire

Decades ago, humans delved too greedily and too deep into Moria and awoke the dragon Paarthurnax from its slumber. Following Judgment Day, Christian Bale leads the last vestiges of humankind against a storm of dragons that just want to watch the world burn. Only dragon slayer Matthew “Van Zan” McConaughey and his small army of rootin’-tootin’ Americans can shift the odds in humanity’s favor. Ready your magnesium-tipped C4 crossbow bolts, wait until the magic hour, and join Gerard Butler in archangel falling 17 seconds from the sky into Reign of Fire!

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.20 Clash of the Titans (2010)

When Pete Postlethwaite is murdered by Lord Voldemort, his half-god son Perseus sets out with his D&D party on a quest for revenge. Mads Mikkelsen, Liam Cunningham, and Gemma Arterton, all star along Sam Worthington, in a remake of the classic film that nobody asked for. Grab your lightsaber, wrangle up some giant scorpions, and throw on your chiton (we’re looking at you Zeus), because we’re releasing the Kraken with the first of our summer Blockbuster Bombs, Clash of the Titans!

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.12 Howard the Duck

Howard is just your average anthropomorphic duck living on a parallel Earth—aptly named Duckworld. That is, until Dr. Jeffrey Jones foolishly uses the Buch-cannon™ to beam him to Cleveland. Stranded, Howard teams up with local rocker Lea Thompson and Tim “Museum Janitor” Robbins to search for a way home, and possibly some hairless ape fornication. Oh yeah, then Jeffrey Jones gets possessed by a demonic “Dark Overlord of the Universe” that turns him into Emperor Palpatine for some reason! Practice your Quack Fu, do some toot, and grab this month’s issue of Playduck, because we are about to get shot through space via Lazyboy with Howard the Duck.

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.10 Bunraku

Dreadlocked Ron Pearlman rules post-apocalyptic feudal Neo Japan, where guns are banned and everyone knows martial arts, with an iron fist. Drifter Josh Hartnet and samurai Gackt walk into a bar and meet the one person central to the plot, soliloquizing bartender and pop-up funny enthusiast, Woody Harrelson. Together, they lead a revolution of chimney sweepers against an army of redshirts and Kevin McKidd. Grab your grandpa’s medallion, a fifty-five dollar glass of whiskey, and cock those fist guns, because this ain’t no ordinary puppet show—it’s BUNRAKU!

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.9 Star Kid

When an evil Broodwarrior lands on Earth, Tim from Jurassic Park plugs his brain into the Guyver Unit and becomes the only force powerful enough to save the world: URKELBOT! With the suit’s superior military weaponry, not only can he transform his arm into a gun, but he can also punish bullies and impress girls! Step into an alien cyborsuit, ingest a synthesized nebula burger, and try not to destroy your house in the process, because we’re suiting up for Star Kid!

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.8 Jurassic Park

Meet John Hammond, an old man who doesn’t know what to do with his fortune, so he decides to clone some dino DNA and open a theme park. He flies in power couple and dinosaur experts, Sam Neil and Laura Dern, along with chaos theorist, Jeff Goldblum, and a blood-sucking lawyer to prove to his investors that the park is completely safe. Once there, everything goes to shit, after a disgruntled Newman shuts all the power off on the island, so that he can steal some T-Rex blood for the competition. With prehistoric powerhouses roaming free, can life, uh, find a way? Tie your seat belts ends together, slap on your night vision goggles, and pop open your can of shaving cream, because no expense will be spared while we make our way through Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne

1.26 The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

CRIKEY! Steve Irwin is just trying to make a documentary about all the dangerous and beautiful wildlife of Australia, and then a bunch of studio execs tell him no one is going to pay for that, so they make up a shitty story about a top secret satellite that gets eaten by a crocodile. With pointless side plots, a lost fifth Baldwin brother, and the Bumpuses dogs, two completely different films collide into a true blunder from down under. Grab your best sheila, a couple sticks of dynamite, and some anti-venom because we are about to bag and tag The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course.

Theme by Protector 101. Listen at Bandcamp.

Logo Artwork by David De Forne