2.14 Titanic II

On the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, Shane Van Dyke takes his replica ship Titanic II on it’s maiden voyage. The same day, an iceberg the size of Rhode Island falls into the Atlantic Ocean, sending a ripple of super tsunamis across the globe. With entire countries under water, can Bruce Davison stay awake long enough to save his daughter from icebergs rocketing towards the Titanic II at 843 miles per hour? Turn on your ice detectors, slip into some scuba gear, and let the icy cold water wash over you, because we’re about to sink Titanic II.

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2.13 Bushwhacked

After surviving the events of C.H.U.D., Daniel Stern changes his name to “Mad” Marv Merchants and takes a job as a delivery driver, where he falls for an obvious scam and is framed for the murder of his millionaire client, Dr. Frederick Chilton. On the lamb from FBI Agent Michael “The Suit” Minelli, Marv switches places with scoutmaster “Spider” Erickson and serendipitously leads a troop of Ranger Scouts up Devil’s Peak—a treacherous trail complete with a Temple of Doom bridge! The race is on to intercept a package that will clear his name at 10am sharp, guaranteed. Grab two packs of Malboros, two Sno Balls, and a jumbo Coke, because we’re about to get Bushwhacked.

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2.12 Howard the Duck

Howard is just your average anthropomorphic duck living on a parallel Earth—aptly named Duckworld. That is, until Dr. Jeffrey Jones foolishly uses the Buch-cannon™ to beam him to Cleveland. Stranded, Howard teams up with local rocker Lea Thompson and Tim “Museum Janitor” Robbins to search for a way home, and possibly some hairless ape fornication. Oh yeah, then Jeffrey Jones gets possessed by a demonic “Dark Overlord of the Universe” that turns him into Emperor Palpatine for some reason! Practice your Quack Fu, do some toot, and grab this month’s issue of Playduck, because we are about to get shot through space via Lazyboy with Howard the Duck.

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2.10 Bunraku

Dreadlocked Ron Pearlman rules post-apocalyptic feudal Neo Japan, where guns are banned and everyone knows martial arts, with an iron fist. Drifter Josh Hartnet and samurai Gackt walk into a bar and meet the one person central to the plot, soliloquizing bartender and pop-up funny enthusiast, Woody Harrelson. Together, they lead a revolution of chimney sweepers against an army of redshirts and Kevin McKidd. Grab your grandpa’s medallion, a fifty-five dollar glass of whiskey, and cock those fist guns, because this ain’t no ordinary puppet show—it’s BUNRAKU!

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2.9 Star Kid

When an evil Broodwarrior lands on Earth, Tim from Jurassic Park plugs his brain into the Guyver Unit and becomes the only force powerful enough to save the world: URKELBOT! With the suit’s superior military weaponry, not only can he transform his arm into a gun, but he can also punish bullies and impress girls! Step into an alien cyborsuit, ingest a synthesized nebula burger, and try not to destroy your house in the process, because we’re suiting up for Star Kid!

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2.8 Jurassic Park

Meet John Hammond, an old man who doesn’t know what to do with his fortune, so he decides to clone some dino DNA and open a theme park. He flies in power couple and dinosaur experts, Sam Neil and Laura Dern, along with chaos theorist, Jeff Goldblum, and a blood-sucking lawyer to prove to his investors that the park is completely safe. Once there, everything goes to shit, after a disgruntled Newman shuts all the power off on the island, so that he can steal some T-Rex blood for the competition. With prehistoric powerhouses roaming free, can life, uh, find a way? Tie your seat belts ends together, slap on your night vision goggles, and pop open your can of shaving cream, because no expense will be spared while we make our way through Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

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2.7 In Pursuit

Daniel Baldwin is a terrible lawyer that can’t seem to get a break. That is, until he’s framed for murder by a German super model? Al from Quantum Leap? Both at once? With the help of his lawyer and her cat, he sets out to clear his name and get drunk in La Paz. This isn’t the Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew Mystery, it’s just Daniel Baldwin and Coolio in your vicinity. Take some photos of a fake car accident, pretend you don’t understand Spanish, and shoot down that tequila because we are about to fight a cougar while In Pursuit.

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2.3 The Punisher (1989)

When a power struggle between the Mafia and Yakuza emerges, Dolph Lundgren drags his sweaty, naked ass out of the sewers to bring death and destruction to both sides. Louis Gossett Jr. also throws a pizza at a wiseguy. Paint on your beard, ready your RC car, and don’t even think about asking why there’s no skull on his shirt, because we’re about to be judged by The Punisher.

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2.1 The Lawnmower Man

We’re back for season 2 and oh boy is it a doozie! When genetically modified RoboChimp and protector of the innocent, “Cybo-Man”, escapes from the evil Umbrella Corporation, it finds a friend in local greenskeeper, Jobe Smith. Now, with the help of mad scientist Dr. Larry Angelo and his virtual reality machine, Cybo-Man and Jobe are teaming up for the ultimate showdown against Umbrella. So grab your revolver, zip up your TRON bodysuit, and strap into your gyroscope, because we are about to jack into The Lawnmower Man!

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1.32 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Outworld emperor Shao Khan has sour grapes after losing to Earthrealm in Mortal Kombat, so he interrupts the ending of a much better movie to bring us this huge pile of shit. Using some unexplained magic, Shao Khan resurrects his wife Sindel, forcing Outworld and Earthrealm to merge because the Bible says the Earth was created in six days or something. Johnny Cage is disrespected, Liu Kang turns into a dragon, and Raiden isn’t even Christopher Lambert anymore. Slap on your five hundred dollar sunglasses, ready your animality, and rip out our spine, because we are about to test our might against Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

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1.26 The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

CRIKEY! Steve Irwin is just trying to make a documentary about all the dangerous and beautiful wildlife of Australia, and then a bunch of studio execs tell him no one is going to pay for that, so they make up a shitty story about a top secret satellite that gets eaten by a crocodile. With pointless side plots, a lost fifth Baldwin brother, and the Bumpuses dogs, two completely different films collide into a true blunder from down under. Grab your best sheila, a couple sticks of dynamite, and some anti-venom because we are about to bag and tag The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course.

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1.25 Guyver: Dark Hero

He’s back and he’s better than ever! Sort of. A year after defeating David Gale, Solid Snake…err Sean Barker is having strange dreams about killing things. It turns out he has another purpose besides being a violent vigilante of the night—hitchhike to Utah and molest an ancient alien spacecraft. Grab a 30 pack of Bud Dry, and some bear-werewolf-rhinoman repellent because we are about to biomorph with Guyver: Dark Hero.

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1.22 The Guyver

After Sean face-plants into a one-of-a-kind alien armor prototype, he teams up with Luke Skywalker to bring down David Gale’s Chronos Corporation and its army of Ninja Turtles. As a mostly faithful anime adaption, Screaming Mad George and Steve Wang deliver the goods for this beast-beatin’ romp of amazing practical effects. Behold as Jimmie Walker transforms into Jar Jar Binks before your very eyes—and then gets his ass kicked. Also, Mark Hamill turns into a cockroach. The Zoanoid shit has finally hit the fan, so grab your plastic lunchbox filled with bio-booster armor because we are about to transform with The Guyver. DYN-O-MITE!

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1.18 A Gnome Named Gnorm

Anthony Michael Hall is a wisecracking cop who literally blows an undercover gig when a diamond-toting scumbag explodes all over a park. The only way to clear his name and catch the real bad guy is to team up with a horny gnome that needs to recharge a life-giving rock by way of our sun. Hang on to your bobos and secure that Lumen because we’re about to tunnel into Upworld aka A Gnome Named Gnorm.

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1.13 House of the Dead

A group of twenty-somethings travel to Isla Nublar for the rave of the century, but instead find it infested with zombies and light beer. Based on the classic arcade rail shooter and directed by Uwe Boll, even Clint Howard can’t save this movie. Pour one out for Das Boot, because this is House of the Dead.

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1.11 Dungeons & Dragons

Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans LARP their way into a mess of bad CGI and magic, while Jeremy Irons gorges himself on every piece of scenery he can get his hands on. Based loosely on the classic tabletop RPG, this foray onto the set of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys reminds us that movies based on games are never a good idea. Grab your d20 and your elven boob armor because we are about to roll for initiative against Dungeons & Dragons.

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1.5 Equilibrium

Hide your art, hide your books, hide your wife because the Grammaton Clerics are coming to town! In an Orwellian, post-WWIII future, Christian Bale saves puppies from a heartless government bent on emotionally numbing the masses. Taye Diggs is also there for some reason. Grab your Prozium and your pistol, we’re headed to Libria with Equilibrium.

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1.4 Yesterday’s Target

Time traveling mutants, domestic abuse, and plot holes, oh my! Daniel Baldwin serves us up his best Sarah Connor impression while trying to stop Malcolm McDowell and LeVar Burton from wearing bad hats. With a future so bright that you gotta wear shades, the boys quantum leap into the shit show of Yesterday’s Target.

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