2.25 Green Lantern

Our final Blockbuster Bomb lands right on Ryan Reynolds’ head, in the super hero movie flop that was meant to kick off the DCCU. A few lazy ideas lifted from Geoff Johns’ modern take on Hal Jordan, result in an overstuffed, convoluted mess of a plot. CGI body suits and Star Sapphire’s depiction are not the only mortal sins of this 2011 adaptation. Slip on your power ring of choice and join us in our intergalactic journey through Space Sector 2814, this is the Green Lantern!

Joining us is special guest, Arlen Harrow! Editor-in-chief of Los Harrow and co-host of the Phantom Zone.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.24 The 13th Warrior

Arabian poet, Antonio Banderas, fools around with the caliph’s wife and gets promoted to lord of the dessert. During his trek, he runs afoul of a Viking camp where Granny Van Daam dubs him the 13th warrior of a quest that will lead to certain death. Now he must band together with a rough-and-tumble group of lovable bearded bad-asses to defend a village from a (seemingly) unstoppable supernatural force. Brush up on your old Norse, ask the smithy to fashion you a scimitar, and grab a piece of your fallen comrade to munch on because we’re about to crack open the lost ancient text of The 13th Warrior.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.23 The Adventures of Pluto Nash

When ex-smuggler Pluto Nash refuses to have his night club bought out by the mysterious Rex Crater, Joe Pantoliano tries to kill him and “hilarity” ensues. From the banality ridden heap of our Blockbuster Bombs fallout rises a film that should have been shot into the sun. Charge up your outdated robot bodyguard, make a martini in your mouth, and pour one out for Eddie Murphy’s career because we’re about to moonwalk across The Adventures of Pluto Nash.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.22 Deep Rising

When a sadistic billionaire decides to sink his dream boat for a hefty insurance payout, a giant sea monster decides to crash the party for a bite to eat. Treat “If the cash is there, we do not care” Williams must lead a rag tag group of mercs including Kano, Sagat, and Korath, guns blazing through the infested ship of death! Will they make it out alive? What happened to Rodney Dangerfield after he stuck the Triple Lindy? Can the maid from the Sedgewick Hotel ever truly get a break? Get ready to say hello to the Chinese M1-L1 Triple Pulse Assault Rifle, brush up on your marine biology, and don’t lose those engine parts because we’re going full scream ahead into Deep Rising!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.21 Reign of Fire

Decades ago, humans delved too greedily and too deep into Moria and awoke the dragon Paarthurnax from its slumber. Following Judgment Day, Christian Bale leads the last vestiges of humankind against a storm of dragons that just want to watch the world burn. Only dragon slayer Matthew “Van Zan” McConaughey and his small army of rootin’-tootin’ Americans can shift the odds in humanity’s favor. Ready your magnesium-tipped C4 crossbow bolts, wait until the magic hour, and join Gerard Butler in archangel falling 17 seconds from the sky into Reign of Fire!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.20 Clash of the Titans (2010)

When Pete Postlethwaite is murdered by Lord Voldemort, his half-god son Perseus sets out with his D&D party on a quest for revenge. Mads Mikkelsen, Liam Cunningham, and Gemma Arterton, all star along Sam Worthington, in a remake of the classic film that nobody asked for. Grab your lightsaber, wrangle up some giant scorpions, and throw on your chiton (we’re looking at you Zeus), because we’re releasing the Kraken with the first of our summer Blockbuster Bombs, Clash of the Titans!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.18 Super Mario Bros.

Mario and Luigi jump through a hell portal beneath Brooklyn and land in a parallel dimension where dinosaurs evolved into the dominant species. Run by germaphobe dictator King Koopa, the plumbers must track down Princess Daisy before Koopa forces her to merge the fungus-covered Dinohattan with our world. Strap on your tool belt, trust the fungus, and click those stomper heels together, because we’re about to world warp with Super Mario Bros!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne.

2.14 Titanic II

On the 100th anniversary of the Titanic sinking, Shane Van Dyke takes his replica ship Titanic II on it’s maiden voyage. The same day, an iceberg the size of Rhode Island falls into the Atlantic Ocean, sending a ripple of super tsunamis across the globe. With entire countries under water, can Bruce Davison stay awake long enough to save his daughter from icebergs rocketing towards the Titanic II at 843 miles per hour? Turn on your ice detectors, slip into some scuba gear, and let the icy cold water wash over you, because we’re about to sink Titanic II.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.13 Bushwhacked

After surviving the events of C.H.U.D., Daniel Stern changes his name to “Mad” Marv Merchants and takes a job as a delivery driver, where he falls for an obvious scam and is framed for the murder of his millionaire client, Dr. Frederick Chilton. On the lamb from FBI Agent Michael “The Suit” Minelli, Marv switches places with scoutmaster “Spider” Erickson and serendipitously leads a troop of Ranger Scouts up Devil’s Peak—a treacherous trail complete with a Temple of Doom bridge! The race is on to intercept a package that will clear his name at 10am sharp, guaranteed. Grab two packs of Malboros, two Sno Balls, and a jumbo Coke, because we’re about to get Bushwhacked.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.12 Howard the Duck

Howard is just your average anthropomorphic duck living on a parallel Earth—aptly named Duckworld. That is, until Dr. Jeffrey Jones foolishly uses the Buch-cannon™ to beam him to Cleveland. Stranded, Howard teams up with local rocker Lea Thompson and Tim “Museum Janitor” Robbins to search for a way home, and possibly some hairless ape fornication. Oh yeah, then Jeffrey Jones gets possessed by a demonic “Dark Overlord of the Universe” that turns him into Emperor Palpatine for some reason! Practice your Quack Fu, do some toot, and grab this month’s issue of Playduck, because we are about to get shot through space via Lazyboy with Howard the Duck.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.10 Bunraku

Dreadlocked Ron Pearlman rules post-apocalyptic feudal Neo Japan, where guns are banned and everyone knows martial arts, with an iron fist. Drifter Josh Hartnet and samurai Gackt walk into a bar and meet the one person central to the plot, soliloquizing bartender and pop-up funny enthusiast, Woody Harrelson. Together, they lead a revolution of chimney sweepers against an army of redshirts and Kevin McKidd. Grab your grandpa’s medallion, a fifty-five dollar glass of whiskey, and cock those fist guns, because this ain’t no ordinary puppet show—it’s BUNRAKU!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.9 Star Kid

When an evil Broodwarrior lands on Earth, Tim from Jurassic Park plugs his brain into the Guyver Unit and becomes the only force powerful enough to save the world: URKELBOT! With the suit’s superior military weaponry, not only can he transform his arm into a gun, but he can also punish bullies and impress girls! Step into an alien cyborsuit, ingest a synthesized nebula burger, and try not to destroy your house in the process, because we’re suiting up for Star Kid!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.8 Jurassic Park

Meet John Hammond, an old man who doesn’t know what to do with his fortune, so he decides to clone some dino DNA and open a theme park. He flies in power couple and dinosaur experts, Sam Neil and Laura Dern, along with chaos theorist, Jeff Goldblum, and a blood-sucking lawyer to prove to his investors that the park is completely safe. Once there, everything goes to shit, after a disgruntled Newman shuts all the power off on the island, so that he can steal some T-Rex blood for the competition. With prehistoric powerhouses roaming free, can life, uh, find a way? Tie your seat belts ends together, slap on your night vision goggles, and pop open your can of shaving cream, because no expense will be spared while we make our way through Jurassic Park. Hold on to your butts!

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2.7 In Pursuit

Daniel Baldwin is a terrible lawyer that can’t seem to get a break. That is, until he’s framed for murder by a German super model? Al from Quantum Leap? Both at once? With the help of his lawyer and her cat, he sets out to clear his name and get drunk in La Paz. This isn’t the Hardy Boys or a Nancy Drew Mystery, it’s just Daniel Baldwin and Coolio in your vicinity. Take some photos of a fake car accident, pretend you don’t understand Spanish, and shoot down that tequila because we are about to fight a cougar while In Pursuit.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.3 The Punisher (1989)

When a power struggle between the Mafia and Yakuza emerges, Dolph Lundgren drags his sweaty, naked ass out of the sewers to bring death and destruction to both sides. Louis Gossett Jr. also throws a pizza at a wiseguy. Paint on your beard, ready your RC car, and don’t even think about asking why there’s no skull on his shirt, because we’re about to be judged by The Punisher.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

2.1 The Lawnmower Man

We’re back for season 2 and oh boy is it a doozie! When genetically modified RoboChimp and protector of the innocent, “Cybo-Man”, escapes from the evil Umbrella Corporation, it finds a friend in local greenskeeper, Jobe Smith. Now, with the help of mad scientist Dr. Larry Angelo and his virtual reality machine, Cybo-Man and Jobe are teaming up for the ultimate showdown against Umbrella. So grab your revolver, zip up your TRON bodysuit, and strap into your gyroscope, because we are about to jack into The Lawnmower Man!

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

1.32 Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

Outworld emperor Shao Khan has sour grapes after losing to Earthrealm in Mortal Kombat, so he interrupts the ending of a much better movie to bring us this huge pile of shit. Using some unexplained magic, Shao Khan resurrects his wife Sindel, forcing Outworld and Earthrealm to merge because the Bible says the Earth was created in six days or something. Johnny Cage is disrespected, Liu Kang turns into a dragon, and Raiden isn’t even Christopher Lambert anymore. Slap on your five hundred dollar sunglasses, ready your animality, and rip out our spine, because we are about to test our might against Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

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1.26 The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

CRIKEY! Steve Irwin is just trying to make a documentary about all the dangerous and beautiful wildlife of Australia, and then a bunch of studio execs tell him no one is going to pay for that, so they make up a shitty story about a top secret satellite that gets eaten by a crocodile. With pointless side plots, a lost fifth Baldwin brother, and the Bumpuses dogs, two completely different films collide into a true blunder from down under. Grab your best sheila, a couple sticks of dynamite, and some anti-venom because we are about to bag and tag The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne

1.25 Guyver: Dark Hero

He’s back and he’s better than ever! Sort of. A year after defeating David Gale, Solid Snake…err Sean Barker is having strange dreams about killing things. It turns out he has another purpose besides being a violent vigilante of the night—hitchhike to Utah and molest an ancient alien spacecraft. Grab a 30 pack of Bud Dry, and some bear-werewolf-rhinoman repellent because we are about to biomorph with Guyver: Dark Hero.

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1.22 The Guyver

After Sean face-plants into a one-of-a-kind alien armor prototype, he teams up with Luke Skywalker to bring down David Gale’s Chronos Corporation and its army of Ninja Turtles. As a mostly faithful anime adaption, Screaming Mad George and Steve Wang deliver the goods for this beast-beatin’ romp of amazing practical effects. Behold as Jimmie Walker transforms into Jar Jar Binks before your very eyes—and then gets his ass kicked. Also, Mark Hamill turns into a cockroach. The Zoanoid shit has finally hit the fan, so grab your plastic lunchbox filled with bio-booster armor because we are about to transform with The Guyver. DYN-O-MITE!

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1.18 A Gnome Named Gnorm

Anthony Michael Hall is a wisecracking cop who literally blows an undercover gig when a diamond-toting scumbag explodes all over a park. The only way to clear his name and catch the real bad guy is to team up with a horny gnome that needs to recharge a life-giving rock by way of our sun. Hang on to your bobos and secure that Lumen because we’re about to tunnel into Upworld aka A Gnome Named Gnorm.

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1.13 House of the Dead

A group of twenty-somethings travel to Isla Nublar for the rave of the century, but instead find it infested with zombies and light beer. Based on the classic arcade rail shooter and directed by Uwe Boll, even Clint Howard can’t save this movie. Pour one out for Das Boot, because this is House of the Dead.

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1.11 Dungeons & Dragons

Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans LARP their way into a mess of bad CGI and magic, while Jeremy Irons gorges himself on every piece of scenery he can get his hands on. Based loosely on the classic tabletop RPG, this foray onto the set of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys reminds us that movies based on games are never a good idea. Grab your d20 and your elven boob armor because we are about to roll for initiative against Dungeons & Dragons.

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1.5 Equilibrium

Hide your art, hide your books, hide your wife because the Grammaton Clerics are coming to town! In an Orwellian, post-WWIII future, Christian Bale saves puppies from a heartless government bent on emotionally numbing the masses. Taye Diggs is also there for some reason. Grab your Prozium and your pistol, we’re headed to Libria with Equilibrium.

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1.4 Yesterday’s Target

Time traveling mutants, domestic abuse, and plot holes, oh my! Daniel Baldwin serves us up his best Sarah Connor impression while trying to stop Malcolm McDowell and LeVar Burton from wearing bad hats. With a future so bright that you gotta wear shades, the boys quantum leap into the shit show of Yesterday’s Target.

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Logo Artwork by David De Forne